Oh, Hailey. I have read and re-read your rant a few times and have been trying to think of what the appropriate things to say are. I am sorry, first off. Being female sure has its down sides. I don't know why we are the ones that feel insecure and want to change all the time, but that's the way it is and it sucks.
Hailey, you are beautiful. You are smart, you are funny, you are compassionate and caring. These are all great qualities, ones that should trump any feelings of self-doubt or 'not good enough'. You have a great husband, who loves you and cares for you. Marriage is hard and it's not perfect, but what makes it great is that you always have someone by your side, through thick and thin (sometimes, literally!)
Now, I'm not sure, but from what I remember, you are medicated for depression, is that still true? Maybe these feelings are a result of the medication or maybe you need to make sure what you're taking is actually helping instead of hindering.
Everyone gets down in the dumps sometimes. Everyone has feelings of low self esteem and self worth. It can be hard for those around us to be supportive when it gets to be habitual, but no matter what, you have family and friend who love and support you.
I am free to text, talk, chat, e-mail---you name it! I am always here to lend a listening ear and a supportive shoulder!
I miss you. I miss our MP squared and sleep overs and long chats. I agree that we should all live next door to each other when we've all finished our adventures. That would be awesome. If our husbands could get along and our kids could play together, that would be a wonderful life. Like Desperate Housewives without the murder and drama!
Maybe we should plan some more get-togethers. We really don't live that far away from each other. It's just making the time and planning things out. I'm game!
I hope you feel better, and that the right bed got delivered and you start to encounter the positives of life. Just remember, when you look for the bad, you find it.
Love you!
Monday, June 3, 2013
Saturday, June 1, 2013
Boredom, Frustrations, Happy Moments
Ladies, I am at work and am bored out of my mind and should have brought a book...yes, I'd rather read that sit and do nothing with no one to talk to...so instead I decided to blog. About me. It may be a sad rant so if you don't want to hear it proceed to read anyway because you are good friends.
I don't know what it is but I have been feeling incredibly crummy and like I am a failure. Any small thing that Michael says that could be twisted in anyway to sound like he is displeased with me breaks my heart. For example, last night he told me I needed a volume check, no big deal right? Wrong!!!! I about killed over with shame and self doubt and humiliation and fear. Fear you ask? Yes. I fear that he is going to leave me because I am a horrible wife. I am lazy and have let myself go and have gained weight, rarely wear make up, have resorted to sleeping away my life and also have volume issues (I laughed really loud in the middle of the night because I made a hilarious that's what she said joke :( he didn't laugh as loud...). Yes. I am stupid and blind because I should be happy that I have a fully functioning body and a husband that will never ever leave me. So leaving me isn't my most biggest fear...mostly that he'll want to. That I am not going to be good enough or pretty enough and that he'll want to be with someone prettier or funnier or less me.
I have always had self image issues which now that I look back on is really stupid because I used to be a good looking girl. No I am a 30lb heavier girl with absolutely no self esteem. Every time I tear myself down it wares on Michael. Now to the point that he gets annoyed with it and disregards it. I know that I'd be sick of it too if I were him but having him just seemed annoyed by it kills all the little confident cells that are left over from the past. Gone. I am sick of being me. I have the perfect life and the perfect situation and I hate myself. Lame.
Also, my dad is taking my mom to court over child support that he owes and doesn't want to pay and it's a whole lot like the shindig that went on ten years ago with the same child support issue except now we aren't children so it's lame and that's why he didn't come to my graduation...because he didn't want to see my mom! Lame. But!!! He took me golfing. A lifelong dream come true!
Also, my mom had a tube down her throat and biopsis because they found lumps. I hate lumps!! So that is dumb too.
I still haven't seen Evan's baby which is a bummer.
I missed Aiden's kindergarden graduation...but I got pictures and he is toooo cute!
I want to do something really great for Michael but I don't know what to do. I took him on a date last night. We went to Star Trek and out to dinner and played a money snatching arcade game. So that was nice. Ladies, never let me go to Vegas, I am one of those "just one more try" people that has one more way more than once more. That silly game took a lot of money from me! And I don't have money to give!
Oh and super frustration: Michael and I have been searching for a bed because mine isn't good enough. For a long time I was resistant because that bed has been the best part of me for about 15 years and I felt that it not being good enough for Michael was a reflection on me. But he's right and new beds are awesome. So we were shopping and nearly got conned into buying a $3,000 bed because it was comfy and will last forever. But no, we resisted. So then we found a really great bed for a fraction of the price. It was on a great sale and so we snatched it up and I paid $55 extra so that they'd deliver and set it up. It took a week for them to bring it to our place. And they only sent one guy! At 10:30pm!!! (He was late because his locks broke and it was a big pain for him). So he came alone and Michael had to help carry it up the stairs besides my $55 service charge. Then he sets it up and is like "this is not our bed." The guy rang up the wrong bed and delivered the wrong bed! There were two that we were choosing from. One he told us was on sale for $699 and one for $599. He charged us $699 but apparently rang up the other one and brought it regardless that we paid an extra $100 for it! Then he tried to tell me that the other was $799! FALSE SIR! So Michael was like, "Ya we were debating between them but I pointed to that one a few times and she was laying on it so we thought it was clear that's the one we wanted..." and I was like "And you told us the pricing was $599 for this one and $699 for the one we wanted.." and so I was just really annoyed. So he's like, "Well do you want to try this one?" and I'm all "NO!" So he calls Michael today and says they have to make the one we want so it will take a week from this coming Monday. Then I was really pissed. Then he called back and said another store had one made so he is bringing it today and not costing us the $799 price. I'm like of course not fool! Ha, I'm just annoyed. The guy seems to run the place himself and he really seemed like he was having a bad day when he brought the bed over. I sincerely hope that things are working out okay for him but I really just want my new bed. Right now my old bed is on the living room floor because we took it downstairs when he brought the new one and I am too lazy to take it back upstairs lol. So that's that rant.
Star Trek is really good btw. Except I woke up this morning pretty sure that I had food poisoning. I was supposed to donate blood today but I was not getting up for that! And then I had to go to work and now am just really trying not to vomit. But I feel better than I did this morning. Man it is a slow day here, but I am pleased to have this opportunity to write to you.
Ladies, I sincerely miss our girls' nights and our random hangouts where we could talk about anything and how great it was when we all lived in the same town. So I have decided that when we all grow up we need to be neighbors :) I love you both dearly and want to that you for always listening to me, dealing with my weirdness, and boosting me and telling me I'm pretty and stupid for not thinking so when I beat myself up. I'm sorry that it may seem like I am always fishing for compliments and it is my new goal not to do so...but when I don't have them it kills me on the inside and then I'm like a zombie...that doesn't eat brains.
Anywho. Love you guys (remember when I never said the L word lol). Miss you guys. Hope to see you soon. Also, Evan should be going to Idaho in July with his young one so that will probably be my next visit.
Okay, peace out.
I don't know what it is but I have been feeling incredibly crummy and like I am a failure. Any small thing that Michael says that could be twisted in anyway to sound like he is displeased with me breaks my heart. For example, last night he told me I needed a volume check, no big deal right? Wrong!!!! I about killed over with shame and self doubt and humiliation and fear. Fear you ask? Yes. I fear that he is going to leave me because I am a horrible wife. I am lazy and have let myself go and have gained weight, rarely wear make up, have resorted to sleeping away my life and also have volume issues (I laughed really loud in the middle of the night because I made a hilarious that's what she said joke :( he didn't laugh as loud...). Yes. I am stupid and blind because I should be happy that I have a fully functioning body and a husband that will never ever leave me. So leaving me isn't my most biggest fear...mostly that he'll want to. That I am not going to be good enough or pretty enough and that he'll want to be with someone prettier or funnier or less me.
I have always had self image issues which now that I look back on is really stupid because I used to be a good looking girl. No I am a 30lb heavier girl with absolutely no self esteem. Every time I tear myself down it wares on Michael. Now to the point that he gets annoyed with it and disregards it. I know that I'd be sick of it too if I were him but having him just seemed annoyed by it kills all the little confident cells that are left over from the past. Gone. I am sick of being me. I have the perfect life and the perfect situation and I hate myself. Lame.
Also, my dad is taking my mom to court over child support that he owes and doesn't want to pay and it's a whole lot like the shindig that went on ten years ago with the same child support issue except now we aren't children so it's lame and that's why he didn't come to my graduation...because he didn't want to see my mom! Lame. But!!! He took me golfing. A lifelong dream come true!
Also, my mom had a tube down her throat and biopsis because they found lumps. I hate lumps!! So that is dumb too.
I still haven't seen Evan's baby which is a bummer.
I missed Aiden's kindergarden graduation...but I got pictures and he is toooo cute!
I want to do something really great for Michael but I don't know what to do. I took him on a date last night. We went to Star Trek and out to dinner and played a money snatching arcade game. So that was nice. Ladies, never let me go to Vegas, I am one of those "just one more try" people that has one more way more than once more. That silly game took a lot of money from me! And I don't have money to give!
Oh and super frustration: Michael and I have been searching for a bed because mine isn't good enough. For a long time I was resistant because that bed has been the best part of me for about 15 years and I felt that it not being good enough for Michael was a reflection on me. But he's right and new beds are awesome. So we were shopping and nearly got conned into buying a $3,000 bed because it was comfy and will last forever. But no, we resisted. So then we found a really great bed for a fraction of the price. It was on a great sale and so we snatched it up and I paid $55 extra so that they'd deliver and set it up. It took a week for them to bring it to our place. And they only sent one guy! At 10:30pm!!! (He was late because his locks broke and it was a big pain for him). So he came alone and Michael had to help carry it up the stairs besides my $55 service charge. Then he sets it up and is like "this is not our bed." The guy rang up the wrong bed and delivered the wrong bed! There were two that we were choosing from. One he told us was on sale for $699 and one for $599. He charged us $699 but apparently rang up the other one and brought it regardless that we paid an extra $100 for it! Then he tried to tell me that the other was $799! FALSE SIR! So Michael was like, "Ya we were debating between them but I pointed to that one a few times and she was laying on it so we thought it was clear that's the one we wanted..." and I was like "And you told us the pricing was $599 for this one and $699 for the one we wanted.." and so I was just really annoyed. So he's like, "Well do you want to try this one?" and I'm all "NO!" So he calls Michael today and says they have to make the one we want so it will take a week from this coming Monday. Then I was really pissed. Then he called back and said another store had one made so he is bringing it today and not costing us the $799 price. I'm like of course not fool! Ha, I'm just annoyed. The guy seems to run the place himself and he really seemed like he was having a bad day when he brought the bed over. I sincerely hope that things are working out okay for him but I really just want my new bed. Right now my old bed is on the living room floor because we took it downstairs when he brought the new one and I am too lazy to take it back upstairs lol. So that's that rant.
Star Trek is really good btw. Except I woke up this morning pretty sure that I had food poisoning. I was supposed to donate blood today but I was not getting up for that! And then I had to go to work and now am just really trying not to vomit. But I feel better than I did this morning. Man it is a slow day here, but I am pleased to have this opportunity to write to you.
Ladies, I sincerely miss our girls' nights and our random hangouts where we could talk about anything and how great it was when we all lived in the same town. So I have decided that when we all grow up we need to be neighbors :) I love you both dearly and want to that you for always listening to me, dealing with my weirdness, and boosting me and telling me I'm pretty and stupid for not thinking so when I beat myself up. I'm sorry that it may seem like I am always fishing for compliments and it is my new goal not to do so...but when I don't have them it kills me on the inside and then I'm like a zombie...that doesn't eat brains.
Anywho. Love you guys (remember when I never said the L word lol). Miss you guys. Hope to see you soon. Also, Evan should be going to Idaho in July with his young one so that will probably be my next visit.
Okay, peace out.
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